Learning all of the things the complete disconnection with my physical body sheltered me from has made for an interesting ride lately. The scene is set: interior, my twitter feed. (which is like half game industry, half trans issues and for the foreseeable future 100% equality outrage) Ana Valens retweets a thing on a crowdfunding effort to open a “femboy hooters” which would be a Hooters (eg sports bar) with an all femboy wait staff. The image of femboys in hooters-like uniforms is a rendering so not actual people but they are very pretty, and skinny.
My immediate reaction was a complete revulsion of my body and self. I physically retched and clung to myself until the feed pushed it below the fold.
I don’t ascribe that term to myself but seeing the image and the idea of that being desirable and at the very least tangentially connected to how I’ve begun seeing myself and how I value my body made me feel so incredibly undesirable I just wanted to stop existing.
I rested for a moment and collected my thoughts. I quickly realized that this is it really. This is going to be a new thing for me and it’s a thing nearly everyone else has been dealing with their entire lives and I’ve only been spared because I just did not want my body. There is no real possibility of comparing yourself to someone else if you simply do not care. You can’t compare anything to null and have it mean anything.
It’s not fun but it does seem to have some significance. I suppose I feel some sort of envy towards women in general and women I feel are pretty or meet the general vision I have for myself but it is clearly of lesser significance when it is “women”, as seen by society. I’m never going to be that and I don’t think I even want that.
Seeing what this one portrayal of physical desirability in a form adjacent to myself was and how out of reach that is for me just ruined me emotionally. And it’s nothing special, or new, to anyone really. It’s just a new experience, and a bad one at that. The first truly bad one so far with many more to come. :/